My Superhero woke up long before me this morning. I'm actually not sure when he woke up, but it was long enough to eat breakfast and study his Bible. He did his usual smoother-me-with-kisses round only once this morning (he usually does that at least twice).
I partially woke up to the sound of my Superhero telling our Saint that he can't go with him today. I hear the Saint whimpering loud and pathetic like and the back door about to shut. I holler for the Superhero.
Still hollering from the back porch to our bedroom (which isn't that far by any stretch of the imagination), "No. He's in trouble, he wouldn't eat his pills."
"Please take him." I'm thinking of how hard it is for me to listen to our huge Saint pace the house back and forth, longing to be with "Dad"( a.k.a. go for a pick up ride).
My Superhero says something back, but I can't understand him, because I'm only half awake. Then he shuts the door.
I half holler again, "Ryan".
He doesn't come back. I think it's because he probably thinks I'm going to try to convince him to take our Saint and how he doesn't like to tell either of us "No". It's probably because he didn't hear me. I stir in bed, wondering if he took his cell phone (the reason for my final holler).
My Superhero is traveling over mountain ranges and two hours away, and pulling a trailer full of tools. I'm concerned because he had done a bunch of work to his 19 year old pick up and trailer yesterday.
I somehow convince our Saint to lay down. He lies as close to me as possible, on our floor, beside our bed. I reassure myself that my Superhero probably has his phone, even though it was put in a funny spot last night, and I try to fall back asleep to the sound of my dog's disappointment.
Instead I toss and turn. The dog's disappointment is heavy and my bladder is full. Stumbling to the bathroom, eyes half open, cat at my feet, dog at my side; I see the pills laying on the floor, which now suit as a reminder of my dog's disobedience and disappointment, and my rise before the sun.
Marching back to the bedroom, I notice the Superhero's phone on the kitchen table. Suddenly my heart races and my mind flashes with scenes of Ryan stranded on the top of a cold snowy mountain without a phone.
An assortment of "What if..." zoom through my brain like a fierce freight train, as I'm putting on my clothes.
What if... my Superhero dies? My worse fear emerges. A fear I entertain all too often. I rationalize the fear, because my Superhero is much too good for this old rotten world..... and me....
My dog is all kinds of excited because he gets to go on a pick up ride.
I speed to Carter's where he feeds 40ish horses for a friend every morning. I watch every vehicle that goes by, in case it is my Superhero coming for his phone. I get to Carter's to find out that I missed my Superhero by five minutes. I'm full of all kinds of regret for not calling their house and waking Mrs. Carter to relay me urgent message; the consequences of that seem much better than what may happen to my Superhero.
I exchange a few hollow words with Mr. Carter because all I can think about it my Superhero. I wish Mr. Carter a good day and speed away. I hurry home in case I somehow missed my Superhero in passing and he wants his phone. I seriously consider driving towards my Superhero's destination. I think I could possibly catch up with him, since he is pulling a trailer. No, "that is crazy", I decide.
Pulling into our driveway I think, "I should have chased him". I would only go as far as the next town over. It'd be a good excuse to go to their Starbucks. Plus, how romantic would it be if I did catch up with my superhero on top of a mountain or something.
I sit in my pick up and watch a jack rabbit (actually have no idea what type of rabbit) hop around our yard and driveway. I almost snag a picture of him with my phone. He is a fat, dark, and handsome rabbit (I have no idea if it's a he). He hops to underneath my pick up. My fat, dark, and handsome cat watches the rabbit intensely, until a bird flies above his head. I'm gently reminded of a Bible verse in that split second that our cat moves his eyes to the bird, and back to the rabbit.
"Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?" Matthew 6:26-27
I don't want to get out of my pick up because there is a rabbit under it.
When did I become such a worry wart? When did I become so afraid? Why does fear paralyze me so?
When did fear devour me, and then leave me as a survivor... someone who just survives this world...
And since when does not having a phone come any where close to death?
What kind of Superhero needs a cell phone anyway?
Am I actually concerned about my Superhero being stranded on a mountain? Or am I terrified of having to function an entire day w/o having him a button away? Yes, that just came out.
Do I answer his phone when people call? I don't even answer my phone!
Fear. It's so ridiculous, yet I subscribe to it all too often. God's been bringing this weakness to my attention lately. I have been amazed at how much fear is a motivating factor in the decisions that I do or do not make.
Fear of what people think. Fear of what might happen.
I go to the gym because I'm afraid of getting fat. Not because it's good for me, I enjoy it once I get started, or because it makes me feel good.
Recently I read or heard somewhere (I can't remember where) that "Fear" is one of the most common topics that God covers in the Bible. So I did a little searching myself. Bibleinfo.com has an inclusive list of verses on the topic, please read for yourself by clicking here.
" For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7, NKJV.
I lost my sound mind the moment I found my Superhero's phone.
Why is it so easy for me to forget to trust the One that takes care of the birds of the air and the lilies of the field (Matthew 6:25-34)? Perhaps I forget because I can't always see My Maker, but I do easily see the pain and suffering this world dishes out.
Recently I read a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp, which has eloquently provided a solution for my fear problem. Voskamp writes beautifully of a life that is thankful no matter what, even in the midst of life's awful ugly. Like Voskamp points out, when you are looking for things to be thankful for, you are too busy being thankful to be fearful. And in the absence of fear is trust.
At the risk at sounding dramatic, the book has truly changed my life, honestly. It (and God to name a couple) are teaching me to be present, which is something that I am frequently struggling to do.
The book has made such an impact on me (and after prayer and consideration), that I'm going to offer a small study in my home on the book and on thankfulness. I'm going to call the study "Living Gratitude".
*I'd also like to invite you, my reader (and my loved one across the globe), to the study via my blog (not my home, sorry my house is too small to fit you all).... I plan to share most of what is covered in the small study group here on my blog...
I'm busy. Crazy stupid busy. My plate and schedule are full. However, recently I have discovered that I'm too busy not to include things like this in my life, because this is exactly what keeps my heart full and my days in the light. But I'd sure appreciate your partnership in prayer about this study, the small study group, and my overflowing plate.
I'm really thankful for you taking the time to read my posts. Please email me or comment to let me know if you are going to join me in "Living Gratitude".
Ryan looks at me the same way all of his Great-Uncles back in North Dakota look(ed) at their wives. I have that. In my possession is that love. The love that lasts decades, never gets old, and keeps growing. This is my ninth Valentines Day with Ryan, and I can honestly say that I love him more with each day and definitely with each year that passes by. We're not in this for life, this marriage is for eternity. How crazy is that?!?!
What's even crazier is Ryan's unconditional love for me. God has really been refining some impurities out of me for at least the past six weeks. The refining hurts. I mean really hurts. I've had to deal with the ugliest, most awful layers of me, and so has Ryan. Unfortunately it is taking this really painful process for me to begin to realize that Ryan truly does love me unconditionally. It's still not something I've totally absorbed.
My dependance for Ryan continues to grow. Some may see this as a weakness, but this girl who strives so much for independence sees it as a growing strength. I think it's pretty cool how excited I get when I find out he is home before me after a work day. When we are apart, either for work or play, we genuinely miss each other and I find myself appreciating him more.
Now, don't let me lead you astray, our marriage isn't perfect, after all we are human. Although, there are times I seriously think I live with two Saints. Ryan is an expert at getting under my skin. Sometimes, I swear he lives just to raise my blood pressure, and trust me I swear. And many of the things that I found attractive when we were dating, now totally repulse me. But God has a way of using everything, even that not-so-good, for His good. I raise Ryan's blood pressure too, just in a different way. ;) What is attractive has changed. Like the way he swoons my grandma or the way he holds our friend's babies, this is now what I find irresistible.
I've got that one-in-a-million-guy. He's a gift from God. And a daily reminder of God's love.
1 John is my favorite book of the Bible. This week's verse reminds me of the importance of my brothers and sisters. I used the Message version this time.
1 John 3:14-15: "The way we know we've been transferred from death to life is that we love our brothers and sisters. Anyone who doesn't love is as good as dead. Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know very well that eternal life and murder don't go together."
In case you don't hear from me tomorrow, Happy Love Day! God is love, Vanessa