Love is Watching Someone Die

"Turn on a little Jack and write away. You really need to start getting it off your chest..." advice from my best friend. Somehow I forget that she knows me so well. She always surprises me with her words of wisdom in my "crisis" moments. Moments that I try so hard to avoid and hide from her. And everyone else.

So here I am trying to write, listening to Jack Johnson and others.

One of those moments happened earlier today. A moment I would rather hide. I had prayer up front for church today. I could barely speak. Tears and snot flowed easier than the words out of my mouth. Finally the "Amen" and I tremble as I walk back to my pew. I wanted to be anywhere else. But the words of my best friend replayed in my head "You have got to get this stuff out of your head". Going home or somewhere to be alone wasn't the solution either. So I force myself to be around people.

So I stay. And after the service is over a dear lady asks the question.

"How are you?"

"Exhausted." I reply honestly.

She knew it was a rough week. I knew it was a rough week. But it's so much more than a rough week.
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A family member had a massive stroke while running errands with me. 8 days ago. 4 days ago she went to sleep in Jesus. The 4 days in between the two events was the hard part. The hospital rooms, nurses, drugs pushed into her veins, life shoved out of her, lack of sleep. Breaths more difficult and less frequent with each hour that passed. The hours didn't pass quickly enough.

This isn't my first rodeo. The motions and scenes are so familiar. Too familiar. This is the 5th time I've literally watched a loved one die. But it's not just watching. It's an experience. And it's an honor and privilege. Seriously. An honor and a privilege.

It's not this death that's hard. It's the combination of them all.

I've decided that one is officially an adult when you closely experience death. God bless the children who closely experience death, they must have to grow up all too fast. And thank God I was at least 22 the first time around.

It's the pain and suffering. Even a moment of uncomfortableness for my loved ones. The feeling of no control. Which they too might be feeling. The shallow, hard breaths. The smell. The anxiety. Crushing weight of life coming to an end. Gravity gets heavier. What once was, will be no more. So I absorb as much as I can of them in the last, but also try to let go. It's a battle. 

You'd think it'd get easier each time. But it's harder.

The knowledge and hope of heaven is just that. It's not a pain anesthetic.
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"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie helped me deal with my Grandpas death when I was 22. My Grandpa, who by the way, hung the stars and the moon just for me. Whose face lit up when I entered a room. Who I adored more than anyone.

The lyrics to the song were nearly identical to what I was going through at the time. One line in particular has stuck with me ever since, "Love is watching someone die."

Think about it. I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions.  But Love is watching someone die. And love is God.

Oh the crossroads.
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A little over two years ago I left for nursing school across the country. A dream of mine I've put on hold many times for multiple reasons. Some of which were to stay close to my "Star and moon hanger" and the soft landing for my heart which was my grandma.

I took a leap of faith. At 26 almost 27, I trusted my grandma and a big portion of my heart to God. "God, this is the one and only thing that I'm asking you to take care of in my absence. This is the one thing that would keep me from staying focused. Please Lord keep her safe and healthy. I believe you want me to take this step....I am trusting Grandma to you...."

My grandma. Who was like my mother, teacher of so many things. As I grew older, I grew closer to her. She had become one of my best friends. My one constant. My only home I had ever known.

She was a soft landing for my heart. She gave me space to breathe.

My worst fears came to pass. Her health dwindled and I wasn't with her to meet any or every need.

Now I can look back and see everything worked out for the best. My head knows this. My heart struggles. Still.

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                     I made it home in time to spend her last 18 hours. My grandma literally drowned in her own fluids. I literally watched her take her last breath. I can replay it in my mind now. And do often.


She suffered. Which caused so much suffering for me.

Why the suffering?

I can honestly say that she never hurt anyone. Sure she wasn't perfect, but she was the most Jesus like person I have ever met. Put others before herself. Never spoke unkindly about anyone. And when unkind words were spoken, she'd say something like, "We don't know what they are going through". Or she would immediately bring out a good attribute.

She never spoke a harsh word to me. And she had me at my worst years, the teenage years. I was such a brat. She took care of me and my family in more ways than I will ever know. She adored my husband and made him feel just as at home as she did me. She Never complained. She didn't have an easy life. And my grandpa wasn't easy to live with. She was classy with a capital C.

She didn't deserve to die the way that she did. And besides, I trusted her to the Lord. The one thing that mattered to me. And there she was drowning in her fluids in front of me.

How can I trust again? If the opposite of what I want happens to the person I care for most... Is anything safe? Is everything fair game?

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These are the questions that came back to me this week. Questions I had settled or buried. Or so I thought.

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A couple of months ago my friend Megan shared the following on Facebook about her own grandmother's death:

 For all humans, death is a sorrow we must bear... And only in the promise of Jesus can we find peace and hope in the promise of the resurrection of our loved ones at His second coming! "I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death." Hosea 13:14In losing my precious Nana- I wondered why such a wonderful person should have to suffer at all in the process of death?! And as I pondered this I thought of our most glorious Savior and how He suffered a cruel and torturous death on a cross... "

Her words struck a heart cord so hard I about fell off my chair. And I had to remind myself of them over and over this week. 
Of all people to walk this planet, Jesus deserved a painful death the least. Less than my Grandma. Less than our dear loved one, Jackie. Less than Blaine. Jesus didn't deserve death at all. Jesus trusted God and look what happened to him. 

It's not that God is cruel. It's this world that we live in. 

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Back to the Lady at church.

"Well you look exhausted sweetie. You just need to put some rouge on and a little lipstick and fake it."

I said nothing.

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It's taken me 29 years to start to realize that death is an inevitable part of this world. And it doesn't get easier. I'm thankful for the pain. The pain serves as a reminder that death was not intended for us to experience. And some day, death will be nothing but a memory. 

"Jesus wept." John 11:35. 

Love is watching someone die. Jesus didn't fake it. The pain is real. Jesus wept over the death of a loved one. 

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God is love. Proven in Jesus' death on the cross and my loved ones death on a hospital bed.

• Hebrews 2:14-15, CEV. “We are people of flesh and blood. That is why Jesus became one of us. He died to destroy the devil, who had power over death. But he also died to rescue all of us who live each day in fear of dying.”
  
• 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, NKJV. “Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.  For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.”
• 1 Corinthians 15:51-54, NKJV. “Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—  in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.  For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory.'  ‘O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?’ The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

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 I realize as I type these words that I'm exhausted because my heart hasn't found it's safe landing place. Nor have I had much space to breathe in my grandmother's absence. And this quite literally has taken a toll on my own health.

9 days ago I thought I was on the mend. But now I realize the only safe landing/breathing place is in my Heavenly Father. EVERYTHING else is temporary and not guaranteed. Including my husband, my health, success, money, church, any other relationship, etc etc. 

Jackie and I had all kinds of plans eight days ago, a massive stroke was not in our agenda. 


Romans 8:38-39, NKJV. “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

 Life is short. Even if blessed with 100+ years. 
Love is watching someone die. God is love.

Jordan, you're right; I should write more often.

Peace & Love, 

Vanessa 

PS. Here is the youtube video of the song I mentioned  

Memory Verse Monday: John 15:5

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

There's a word from this week's memory verse that is really catching my attention. Any guesses what it might be?!?!? 

If you came up with, "nothing" then you would be correct.

This same word is found in John 5:19 "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself...."

We live in a world that wants to know, "What can you do?" More specifically, "What can you do for me?" And often times, what you can (or can't) do is in direct correlation to a measure of success (or failure).  

Who wants to be dependent? Weak? Insufficient? Incapable? When's the last time you witnessed someone signing up for those traits? 

Jesus did. He signed up for all of that and more... he signed up to be a nothing. 

I don't know what your day looks like but here's mine: Deadlines, I have them and they're today. Bills, it's that time of the month. Responsibilities, as a wife and nursing student and blah blah blah, I've got responsibilities alright. Grades, they could be better (so much better). Loved ones, frail and week across the country far from any help that I can offer. Husband, across the country period. My own ailments, insecurities, weaknesses.... just a typical Monday. Okay so I'm purposely only pointing out the negative and it could obviously be a lot worse, but you're getting my point... 

So instead of "I do..." or "I will..." or "I can...." today I am stripping myself of any independence, and agreeing with God when he says that I "can do nothing" (John 15:5) apart from Him. NOTHING.

Say it aloud with me, "NOTHING." 

You can do NOTHING apart from Him. No, I think that needs an exclamation point. You can do NOTHING apart from Him!  

 Let's pray together...

"Heavenly Father, I get it. Forgive me for trying to be independent. It's really silly if I think about it. I want to be like a Georgia Peach on a healthy organic tree... I want to ooze with your sweet goodness and love. Lord there's no way that I'm gonna even come close to that without you. Thank you for making the most of my day and making up for what I lack and then some. And Lord, it's tough for me, but I want to trust you with all my burdens, especially my loved ones across the globe. I love you! Because of Jesus I can pray! Amen.

#nothing Let's be it together.

God is love and EVERYTHING,

Vanessa

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

What’s Unique About Jesus?

 In the book Always Prepared William G. Johnson wrote an essay titled “What’s Unique About Jesus?” The essay does an eloquent job of answering the title’s question. On page 69, Johnson urges, “Work your own way through to the answer. Don’t trust anyone else’s opinions or views. It’s got to be your answer.” Which is so true, what’s unique about Jesus is different for each unique individual.  Johnson spends most of the essay describing why he believes Jesus “is unique: in impact, in birth, in life, in teachings, in what He claims about Himself, in death, and in continuing presence.” (page 71).

             Volumes and volumes of books could be written in an attempt to answer this single question. I don’t know that I could write volumes, but I could certainly write dozens of pages if given the time to do so. For now, I’ll just touch on two aspects that make Jesus unique; these qualities are something I’ve been pondering a lot lately, and that is Jesus’ uniqueness in association and acceptance of others…

            I am a Facebook user. I admit it. I check my Facebook account at least once a day, six days a week. Lately I’ve really noticed the mean words, slogans, and pictures that my Facebook friends, I have 496 of them, (I’m mentioning this number not to brag, but to give an idea of how many posts can be generated in a day) have been posting. What are the mean posts about? In a word: politics.

Jesus died for this man.

Jesus died for this man.

           
It really blows me away at how my Facebook friends (some of which I love very much) can say such mean things about other people that don’t believe the same way that they do. This sort of behavior has recently increased with the Chick-fil-A issue (if you’re not familiar with the issue then I suggest Googling “Chick-fil-A” and then reading the original interview that the uproar is about.  You can read the original interview by going to this website: http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?id=38271).  These mean posts are coming from “Christians” and “non-Christians” alike. All of the posts that I have seen either doesn’t portray the Jesus I know and love, or the posts speak horribly of the Jesus I know and love. Either way it hurts, it literally makes my stomach hurt. So what does this have to do with “What’s Unique about Jesus?”

            Jesus has a unique way of associating and accepting people the way they are. If Jesus were alive today, I think you would find him in a Chick-fil-A restaurant. I think you would also find him with the Chick-fil-A protesters and gay marriage supporters. I think Jesus would be found amongst the liberals and the conservatives. You would find him with these kinds of people because Jesus associated with the sinners, as He pointed out in Matthew 9:11-13. Gay/straight or liberal/conservative – anyone who has a pulse is a sinner. Perhaps Jesus would offer the same words to these folks as he offered to the Samaritan woman at the well:

            “But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration."

These verses are found in John 4:23-24 (I used the Message version), however it would be well to read John 4:1-30 (in other versions too) for the entire conversation that Jesus had with the Samaritan woman. Jesus wasn’t concerned about what people might think of Him for associating with the Samaritan woman. She too was a child of God, another soul for which he would hang on the cross for, and Jesus accepted her as such. Before I go further, let me be clear on something; Did Jesus condone her sinful behavior? You tell me (read the verses mentioned above). The same is true for sin of today or any day.

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Chick-fil-A and the Samaritan woman aren’t the only reasons why I believe Jesus is unique in acceptance and association. Johnson offers other great examples on page 74, “As I contemplate the life of Jesus as portrayed by the Gospel writers, several characteristics jump out: never too busy to stop and help, love of children, one-on-one conversations, thoughtfulness, unceasing outpouring of love and compassion, and Friend of the marginalized. Jesus lives a full life, but He finds time to talk with the Samaritan woman who comes to the well to draw water.” Now that’s something to share on Facebook; what makes Jesus unique, His acceptance and association.

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The above was a paper I had to write for one of my classes. I thought I'd share some Life Lessons I've gleaned after reflecting on above:

1. If you read the initial interview that I shared above, I think you'll agree with me that the media has blown this way out of proportion! I've searched multiple articles and have discovered that the President of Chick-fil-A is very careful not to say anything judgmental or mean. His words have been taken out of context several times and in various ways. I've also read articles where many Chick-fil-A's across the South are purposely opening their doors to the gay community. I'm not trying to convince anyone that Chick-fil-A is a great place to eat (especially since I prefer a vegan diet), I'm merely pointing out that the mass media is once again doing a poor job of delivering the full story.
2. I'm thankful to live in a country where people can say whatever they want, but this has caused me to remember that despite what the rhyme says, stick and stones can break bones and words do hurt.
3. I also think back to 10 years ago, before I became a Christian... It wasn't people telling me how wrong premarital sex or doing drugs is that drew me to God and then eventually a church... It was loving individuals who pointed out Bible truths when I asked for them... It took years, after I accepted Jesus into my life before I made lifestyle changes... In fact I'm still needing to make changes... thank goodness we have the Holy Spirit to help with that. My point to this is: please, "Christians" stop and consider the message you are sending to lost souls when you "take a stand"...  please pray about your good intentions.  Which leads me to my next thought...
4. There is a time and a place to take a stand against some things, but there is rarely (not never) a time to take a stand against some one... the line between the two seem to be getting fuzzier and fuzzier. If you read this post, then you'll know that I have learned that "Sometimes love involves judgement; but judgement must always involve love." It's been my experience that when people loved me enough to judge my sin, they also loved me enough to walk along side me as Jesus and I conquered that sin in my life... In other words, judging others is a big responsibility (let me know if you need Bible verses for this).
5. Lately I've been feeling a bit like an outcast. May I offer this song to you if you ever feel like an outcast too:

        God is love,
Vanessa