Love is Watching Someone Die

"Turn on a little Jack and write away. You really need to start getting it off your chest..." advice from my best friend. Somehow I forget that she knows me so well. She always surprises me with her words of wisdom in my "crisis" moments. Moments that I try so hard to avoid and hide from her. And everyone else.

So here I am trying to write, listening to Jack Johnson and others.

One of those moments happened earlier today. A moment I would rather hide. I had prayer up front for church today. I could barely speak. Tears and snot flowed easier than the words out of my mouth. Finally the "Amen" and I tremble as I walk back to my pew. I wanted to be anywhere else. But the words of my best friend replayed in my head "You have got to get this stuff out of your head". Going home or somewhere to be alone wasn't the solution either. So I force myself to be around people.

So I stay. And after the service is over a dear lady asks the question.

"How are you?"

"Exhausted." I reply honestly.

She knew it was a rough week. I knew it was a rough week. But it's so much more than a rough week.
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A family member had a massive stroke while running errands with me. 8 days ago. 4 days ago she went to sleep in Jesus. The 4 days in between the two events was the hard part. The hospital rooms, nurses, drugs pushed into her veins, life shoved out of her, lack of sleep. Breaths more difficult and less frequent with each hour that passed. The hours didn't pass quickly enough.

This isn't my first rodeo. The motions and scenes are so familiar. Too familiar. This is the 5th time I've literally watched a loved one die. But it's not just watching. It's an experience. And it's an honor and privilege. Seriously. An honor and a privilege.

It's not this death that's hard. It's the combination of them all.

I've decided that one is officially an adult when you closely experience death. God bless the children who closely experience death, they must have to grow up all too fast. And thank God I was at least 22 the first time around.

It's the pain and suffering. Even a moment of uncomfortableness for my loved ones. The feeling of no control. Which they too might be feeling. The shallow, hard breaths. The smell. The anxiety. Crushing weight of life coming to an end. Gravity gets heavier. What once was, will be no more. So I absorb as much as I can of them in the last, but also try to let go. It's a battle. 

You'd think it'd get easier each time. But it's harder.

The knowledge and hope of heaven is just that. It's not a pain anesthetic.
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"What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie helped me deal with my Grandpas death when I was 22. My Grandpa, who by the way, hung the stars and the moon just for me. Whose face lit up when I entered a room. Who I adored more than anyone.

The lyrics to the song were nearly identical to what I was going through at the time. One line in particular has stuck with me ever since, "Love is watching someone die."

Think about it. I'll allow you to draw your own conclusions.  But Love is watching someone die. And love is God.

Oh the crossroads.
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A little over two years ago I left for nursing school across the country. A dream of mine I've put on hold many times for multiple reasons. Some of which were to stay close to my "Star and moon hanger" and the soft landing for my heart which was my grandma.

I took a leap of faith. At 26 almost 27, I trusted my grandma and a big portion of my heart to God. "God, this is the one and only thing that I'm asking you to take care of in my absence. This is the one thing that would keep me from staying focused. Please Lord keep her safe and healthy. I believe you want me to take this step....I am trusting Grandma to you...."

My grandma. Who was like my mother, teacher of so many things. As I grew older, I grew closer to her. She had become one of my best friends. My one constant. My only home I had ever known.

She was a soft landing for my heart. She gave me space to breathe.

My worst fears came to pass. Her health dwindled and I wasn't with her to meet any or every need.

Now I can look back and see everything worked out for the best. My head knows this. My heart struggles. Still.

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                     I made it home in time to spend her last 18 hours. My grandma literally drowned in her own fluids. I literally watched her take her last breath. I can replay it in my mind now. And do often.


She suffered. Which caused so much suffering for me.

Why the suffering?

I can honestly say that she never hurt anyone. Sure she wasn't perfect, but she was the most Jesus like person I have ever met. Put others before herself. Never spoke unkindly about anyone. And when unkind words were spoken, she'd say something like, "We don't know what they are going through". Or she would immediately bring out a good attribute.

She never spoke a harsh word to me. And she had me at my worst years, the teenage years. I was such a brat. She took care of me and my family in more ways than I will ever know. She adored my husband and made him feel just as at home as she did me. She Never complained. She didn't have an easy life. And my grandpa wasn't easy to live with. She was classy with a capital C.

She didn't deserve to die the way that she did. And besides, I trusted her to the Lord. The one thing that mattered to me. And there she was drowning in her fluids in front of me.

How can I trust again? If the opposite of what I want happens to the person I care for most... Is anything safe? Is everything fair game?

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These are the questions that came back to me this week. Questions I had settled or buried. Or so I thought.

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A couple of months ago my friend Megan shared the following on Facebook about her own grandmother's death:

 For all humans, death is a sorrow we must bear... And only in the promise of Jesus can we find peace and hope in the promise of the resurrection of our loved ones at His second coming! "I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death." Hosea 13:14In losing my precious Nana- I wondered why such a wonderful person should have to suffer at all in the process of death?! And as I pondered this I thought of our most glorious Savior and how He suffered a cruel and torturous death on a cross... "

Her words struck a heart cord so hard I about fell off my chair. And I had to remind myself of them over and over this week. 
Of all people to walk this planet, Jesus deserved a painful death the least. Less than my Grandma. Less than our dear loved one, Jackie. Less than Blaine. Jesus didn't deserve death at all. Jesus trusted God and look what happened to him. 

It's not that God is cruel. It's this world that we live in. 

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Back to the Lady at church.

"Well you look exhausted sweetie. You just need to put some rouge on and a little lipstick and fake it."

I said nothing.

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It's taken me 29 years to start to realize that death is an inevitable part of this world. And it doesn't get easier. I'm thankful for the pain. The pain serves as a reminder that death was not intended for us to experience. And some day, death will be nothing but a memory. 

"Jesus wept." John 11:35. 

Love is watching someone die. Jesus didn't fake it. The pain is real. Jesus wept over the death of a loved one. 

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God is love. Proven in Jesus' death on the cross and my loved ones death on a hospital bed.

• Hebrews 2:14-15, CEV. “We are people of flesh and blood. That is why Jesus became one of us. He died to destroy the devil, who had power over death. But he also died to rescue all of us who live each day in fear of dying.”
  
• 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, NKJV. “Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.  For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who sleep in Jesus.  For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore comfort one another with these words.”
• 1 Corinthians 15:51-54, NKJV. “Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed—  in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.  For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory.'  ‘O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?’ The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

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 I realize as I type these words that I'm exhausted because my heart hasn't found it's safe landing place. Nor have I had much space to breathe in my grandmother's absence. And this quite literally has taken a toll on my own health.

9 days ago I thought I was on the mend. But now I realize the only safe landing/breathing place is in my Heavenly Father. EVERYTHING else is temporary and not guaranteed. Including my husband, my health, success, money, church, any other relationship, etc etc. 

Jackie and I had all kinds of plans eight days ago, a massive stroke was not in our agenda. 


Romans 8:38-39, NKJV. “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 

 Life is short. Even if blessed with 100+ years. 
Love is watching someone die. God is love.

Jordan, you're right; I should write more often.

Peace & Love, 

Vanessa 

PS. Here is the youtube video of the song I mentioned  

Memory Verse Monday: Matthew 22::37-38

"Jesus replied: '"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and greatest commandment.'" - Matthew 22:37-38

Join me while I get philosophical for a few.

What is love anyway? 

What does it look like?  Does it have a certain smell? Can you feel it? What does it sound like? Have you ever tasted love?

If love looks like anything, then love has an infinite amount of looks.

If love smells like anything, then the possibilities of smells are limitless.

If love is a certain touch then I suppose love could feel like at least a billion times a billion things.

If love sounds like any one thing than it would have to sound like an endless amount of other sounds.

Can love taste like one thing... who decides... therefore the possibilities are endless for taste too.

Go ahead... try to define love, I dare you. Describe it. Illustrate love. 

What does God look like? Does God have a certain smell? Have you ever felt God? What does God sound like? Have you ever tasted God?

Go ahead... try to define God. Describe Him. Illustrate God.

“I am the Alpha and the Omega,” says the Lord God, “who is, and who was, and who is to come, the Almighty.” Revelation 1:8

The Bible describes love like this:  Corinthians 13:4-7, NKJV. "Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things "

Couldn't God be described the same way? 

My favorite Bible verse says that "God is love"... 1 John 4:7-12, NKJV:  "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love. In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time. If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love has been perfected in us."

So I must ask, can you have one without the other? I seriously want to know how one can "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" without God being involved in the love? (Matthew 22:37-38)

"Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you for creating each of us in such a way that we are capable of love (You). These words seem so insignificant at times, but I mean them when I say... I love you. Because of Jesus I can pray! Amen!!!" 

"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment." Matthew 22:37-38

God is love and Love is God,

Vanessa

PS. Here's last week's memory verse... it's okay if you're still working on it! 

PSS. Philosophy, not my favorite college class. :)

Take Time to Stop & Smell opps i mean Send the Cards

There are many things I would like to write about tonight, however today was a "need to give cards day".  So I decided to take the time to stop and  smell  send the cards. 

Card number 1

Inside of Card # 1

Card #2

Inside of card #2. Sorry the picture is a bit blurry.

Also inside of card #2

Both of these cards are from the "ALL OCCASION ASSORTMENT"
 via Blessings Unlimited. You can purchase them here if you would like.

These two cards are ***PERFECT*** for each recipient/occasion. I'm not going to share whom I'm giving them to, or what I'm writing in each card; that's just too personal.

You may be thinking, "She'll post about shower dates, but won't post about what she writes in a card???? I don't get it." (Aren't my ESP skills impressive?)

Allow me to explain. I think shower dates are a beautiful thing worth sharing and celebrating. It's a beautiful thing that Ryan and I are still madly in-love with each other after 5.5 years of marriage (8.5 years of togetherness). This should be celebrated.  The happily-married thing is getting to be more and more rare it seems, so why not celebrate the happiness/love when it happens?!?! (Fuzzy moment)

It is also a beautiful thing when I write in cards; not because I'm an amazing writer, because it gives me the chance to really share my heart with the recipient (which is probably why I like card giving so much). The words would lose their intimacy and sincerity if I were to post the words that I write in these cards. The words are meant for one heart, from my heart. The end.

God is love,

Vanessa

p.s. There are several other cards I would like to send to several other people. If you are one of those people, thank you for your patience... it will happen eventually. Same applies to emails, phone calls, and text messages... I will get back to you eventually. <3

The Best Investment This World Has Ever Known

What are you investing in these days? I'm a huge Dave Ramsey fan. I listen to his radio show while paying bills or while completing our monthly budget or while doing book keeping for our business, Y Bar Construction. I follow Ramsey on Twitter and have read his books. My husband and I have even taught Financial Peace University at our church and he made our Christmas letter this year. He explains financial management in such a way that a sixth grader could understand him. If I were given millions tomorrow, I would know exactly what to do with it, following Ramsey's Baby Steps.


Ramsey's plan is great and it (when actually put to use) has the power to change lives and family trees. But what if I told you that I have an even better and more powerful investment strategy?  


I decided over eight years ago to invest everything I am or ever will be, all my worth into one single....

(....wait for it.....

here it comes....

...are you ready.... this is good...

...changes lives...

...produces the highest yields this world has ever known....)






I decided to invest everything I am or ever will be, all my worth into one single...... baby boy born in a manger.


Often times folks will call into Ramsey's radio show and doubt his advice to invest their money in good growth stock mutual funds. The callers think his advice is crazy considering our economy these past few years. Then Ramsey just recounts what his investments have done for him. It may not convince the caller but his testimony certainly convinces me (or maybe its his lake house that convinces me, just kidding); like I said, I know exactly where I'm going to invest our money once we are out of debt etc. 


Now investing in a God that came to this planet in the form of a baby boy, born to a poor *VIRGIN* girl, in a manger of all places... may sound crazy considering science or logic... or our world today, but I'm banking on this baby boy. It's all or nothin' for me. And of course, it doesn't seem crazy to me because I know what this investment has done for me. And like Ramsey, my most powerful persuasive tool is my testimony. 


Of course I'm tempted to share my testimony and tell my readers across the world what Jesus has done for me... how he has done more in me and for me these past eight years, than millions or even billions of dollars ever could, but I'll refrain (perhaps in a different post someday). Because my investment plan can actually be summed up in one word: LOVE. 

Love came down in the form of a baby boy. Love died on the cross for you and me. Love is waiting patiently for every human being to choose (or not choose) love. Love changed me and is still changing me. Love saved me. If you have ever been touched by Love, then you have been touched by the hand of God. God is love (I can't say it enough) see 1 John.


I've never met anyone that didn't believe Love was worth investing in. I imagine that Dave Ramsey would recommend this investment strategy too. Today I invite you to invest in Love... Today I invite you to celebrate the day Love was born in a manger!


***Happy Birthday Jesus, King of my heart and this universe! I love you!!!***




I think I'll go party now... Merry Christmas! And Love Bless (God Bless)!!!!! <3 



How are you celebrating Jesus' birthday?

11 Ways to Achieve Ultimate Peace in Just 90 Days

Recently I have experienced ~PEACE~ in a way that I never have before. Are you curious how YOU also can experience **ULTIMATE PEACE**? Well you have come to the right place... Included in this blog... are 11 ways to achieve PEACE.

#1. Be sure to have a mentor in your life. Someone that encourages you and cares about you. I found that the best type of mentor is the friend that is kinda like a "Grandpa-teacher-forever young at heart-down to earth-can communicate with you by just looks, no words needed-go to for advice" type. Establish a lasting relationship with this person. Then, when you least expect it.... BRAIN TUMOR. Yep your mentor needs to be diagnosed with a brain tumor. And then... DIE within two weeks of diagnosis.

#2. Two days after your mentors funeral... rush to you friends side after you receive a phone call form her in which she states that she has been .:SEVERELY BURNED:. Arrive at friends side... determine instantly that she needs to go to the hospital.. not in a personal car but VIA AMBULANCE. Then convince her five children that it's ok to leave their MOMMA'S SIDE <3 Drive children away before they see their momma taken out on a stretcher...

#3. (I realize that this may seem really depressing but please keep reading... there is a happy ending. I PROMISE.) Upon your return from taking children to a burn unit five hours away so they can see their mother<<<<<<<<<VOMIT VIOLENTLY.. preferably while sitting on the toilet (not because it's comfy but because it catches other fluids coming from other ORPHEUS simultaneously as you VOMIT VIOLENTLY.)  Don't do this just once. Do this at least twice an hour for 12 HOURS STRAIGHT>>>>>>>>

#4. Invite an 18 year old to move into your ONE BEDROOM HOUSE. Why you ask? PEACE of course. And because this option is the BEST OPTION. PERIOD.... pErIoD.

#5. Fight off a HORRIBLE UPPER RESPIRATORY nastiness. LOSE FIGHT. SHARE WITH HUSBAND. Repeat once or TWICE.

#6.  MULTI-TASK. No I don't think you understand... I mean MULTI-TASK... Make sure you are on multiple committees, involved in groups...Even better LEAD THEM. Be the treasurer of something. DO book-keeping for a business... better yet YOUR BUSINESS. Go to meetings... church meetings, work meetings... dog meetings.... at least 5 nights a week for a month. Because you never know... someone's SALVATION might depend on YOU ATTENDING A MEETING. Go to school... Scratch that.. GO TO COLLEGE. laundry. dishes. MINISTRY. No ministrieS. Wife/husband. Daughter/son. Family. Bills. FrIeNdS? And work part time (minimum).

#7. Oh yeah. I almost forgot. While you are loading your mentor in the car so he can get treatment for his brain tumor in the big city... GET AN URGENT CALL saying your mother is in the EMERGENCY RoOm with a kidney stone attack. And then get a phone call a few days later from your mother... letting you know that she has LOST HER JOB... again...

#8. Watch the news. Once a month is plenty.

#9.  Have lots of FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES... so that you can pray about their CRISIS. Because after-all who doesn't have something HORRIBLE going on in their life somehow (right this very second)?

#10. Don't sleep or exercise. Not by choice but by SURVIVAL.

#11. KEEP YOUR FAITH IN JESUS DESPITE STEPS 1-10 (or actually IN-SPITE). <<<You saw this coming, didn't you?>>>

Numbers 1-10 happened to me in less than 90 days. I purposely made what happened sound horrible. It was HORRIBLE. AWFUL. AWFULLY HORRIBLE. Truth is, some of them were much worse and much more involved than I described. #1 and #2 especially.  And I realize that there are people in this world (possibly billions) that experience life much worse (maybe even a BILLION times WORSE) for ****YEARS**** (compared to my wimpy 90 days).

The God that I believe in... is a God of LOVE.... out-of-this-world-love... crazy lOVE... more than your first-love LOVE. Therefore, I do not believe that God causes horrible, awful, or awfully horrible things to happen. I just don't believe it. And I never will. Plus I believe a thorough Bible study would prove as much (this statement is based on the premises that you're open to such a  Bible study). ###1 John 4:16 for starters.### (No, not everyone has to believe the same way I do. And no, I don't think you are wrong for believing different. Please grant me the same grace.)

But I do believe He (note the capital H) allows things to happen... (the word consequences would be added to this conversation... a conversation that I don't want to finish here... Well not now anyway).

God allowed me to reach a place where I *LITERALLY* could NoT worry anymore. Simply COULD NOT worry. Excuse me... I CAN NOT worry. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and several other "ally"s (or is it "allies") I just couldn't or can't do it any longer.

I reached a place where I  MUST pray "God, this is your problem. You can handle (blank). I can not." yeah, sure I sometimes add in "Use me if need be" Or "show me what I can do." but ultimately it's now "All You" Capital Y because I'm talking to the Big Guy Upstairs. The least I can do is give HIM some capitals (He may not care but I do. RESPECT)

Finally... the point to this long blog post.... "⁶ Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

 ⁸ And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ⁹ Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." Phillipians 4:6-9

I gotta tell ya, I wouldn't trade this peace for anything. Not even to have my friend Blaine (see #1) back (as huge tears well up in my eyes). I'm praying that this peace LASTS. I realize that means God might allow more horrible in my life to maintain this reliance and peace. And I'm ok with that, that's what i've signed up for... whatever it takes.

Listen, I want to hear from YOU THE READER! What has God allowed in your life to give you PEACE? How is God working in your life NOW? What is your source of encouragement? Please answer these questions by commenting below. Got prayer requests? 

 Thanks for reading and God Bless!

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